"Isn't it weird how when you get married you have to try and maintain friendships because you just live with your best friend anyway and no one else matters?"

"People watch this?!?!?!"

in response to Glee

"Don't ever let yourself get fat if you have kids. It's a poor excuse for being fat."

"Nic, did you take one of my lip balms?!"

"That's the last thing you need. You'd have your dog, The Rabbit and I'd never eat again"

"I was thinking he might be gay. But probably not, he's a republican."

"If you could live in either night or day which would you choose?"

"I gotta consolidate stuff. Man i'm using big words today"

"We were like the Cullen's, all young hosting the party"

"I'm totally team Jacob"

"If there were no laws and consequences, I would be a war lord"

"I've been sick so much man"
Me: "well it's just those 'great' genes you have"
"Well I'm handsome, that's all that matters"

"shit I'm so drunk I pissed on the floor. Clean it up"

"You have to admit for 32, I have great hair"

Me:"ew you're 32"

"Shit. I just pissed on my foot, I gotta semi"

"If there's one fucking person on this earth besides God that can change your life, it's Oprah"