"I'm totally team Jacob"

"If there were no laws and consequences, I would be a war lord"

"I've been sick so much man"
Me: "well it's just those 'great' genes you have"
"Well I'm handsome, that's all that matters"

"shit I'm so drunk I pissed on the floor. Clean it up"

"You have to admit for 32, I have great hair"

Me:"ew you're 32"